Break past all my defences
by aspiring2b
Summary: The story line between Nicki and Lorraine started out so well but then went pretty rubbish, so I decided to change it. The real reason Lorraine pushed Nicki away was to protect her but she isn't as strong as she would like to pretend.
1. Chapter 1

_Am I the latest,_

_In your art of war?_

_Thought your hands could heal,_

_But they left me sore._

_You're so good, at what you think you do to me._

_You're so good, at what you think you do to me._

_There are songs I'll never write_

_Because of you walking out of my life._

_There are words that don't belong._

_Because of you I'll never write another love song._

_Was I the greatest_

_In your arsenal?_

_Or just the latest_

_In your art of war?_

_Your art of war._

_You're no good, at what you said you'd do to me._

_You're no good, at what you said you'd do to me._

_There are songs I'll never write_

_Because of you walking out of my life._

_There are words that don't belong. _

_Because of you I'll never write another love song._

_There are songs I'll never write,_

_Because of you walking out of my life._

_There are words that don't belong._

_Because of you I'll never write another love song._

_There are songs I'll never write_

_Because of you walking out of my life._

_There are words that don't belong._

_Because of you I'll never write anothe_r love song.

Nikki felt the anger boil up inside her, Lorraine had finished with her hours earlier and then here she was stood before her saying nothing, when she had first stopped her and tried to talk Nikki hoped that she would say what a mistake she had made, ask for another chance, apologize even. If there had been anything remotely like that Nikki would have opened her arms and offered up her heart again, but Lorraine couldn't manage to do that which left Nikki only one option.

"I cant put my heart on the line for you to practice being human." The words cut deep and the silence hung awkwardly between the two woman, Lorraine had nothing to say in reply, what could you say to the brutal honesty that had just been laid out before her. Nikki let the words sink in and then walked away with her breaking heart leaving the millionaire stood alone.

_I'm sorry, I'm really a mess right now _

_I'm trying my best to get it together somehow _

_I can't see this way, light up in this pain that you left me _

_I'm unraveling, looking for things that'll never be _

_Stars fade away they just crash into space _

_Disappear from the light like you and I _

_Tell me where love goes when it's gone _

_Tell me where hearts go when they go wrong _

_Suddenly someone is no one I've come _

_Undone, undone, undone _

_Undone, undone, undone _

_I'm sorry, I let me fall for you _

_I can erase you and forget you but I can't undo you _

_You're the hand I can't hold, the words I'm not told when I'm lonely _

_And I don't want you back, I just want to have what you took from me _

_Stars fade away they just crash into space _

_Disappear from the light like you and I _

_Tell me where love goes when it's gone _

_Tell me where hearts go when they go wrong _

_Suddenly someone is no one I've come _

_Undone, undone, undone _

_I'll come around again _

_I know it's not the end _

_But right now I've got nowhere to begin _

_To begin _

_Tell me where love goes when it's gone _

_Tell me where hearts go when they go wrong _

_Suddenly someone is no one I've come _

_Undone, undone, undone _

_Nothing but emptiness inside _

_Love leaves a black hole where it dies _

_How can I ever love again, I'm done _

_Undone, undone, undone _

_Undone, undone, undone _

_Undone, undone_

Nikki lay on her bed looking up at the ceiling, her mind thinking back to Lorraine, to the way the woman had ended it. Everything was going so well and then it was gone, all because Lorraine couldn't be a hypocrite, what did that matter when you loved someone? In one day everything had gone from the happiest Nikki had ever felt to completely broken, and this hurt more than any physical injury. Nikki rolled over and buried her face in the pillow letting her eyes close attempting to drift into a fitful sleep.

As the hours passed Nikki gave up trying to sleep, pulling on her running gear she headed out into the brisk Scottish air. Pushing her headphones deep into her ears and turning the volume up as loud as she could bare to block the thoughts out of her mind. Focusing on placing one foot in front of the other and filling her lungs with air so cold it hurt.

She pushed herself harder than she had in months as the darkness turned into daylight, passing her usual turning that would take her back home Nikki headed up the steep hill digging in and pushing past the pain. As she reached the top she stopped and looked out across the distance as the sun rise filtered through the clouds creating a breath taking view. Nikki let herself smile enjoying the sight and feeling a sense of calm wash over her. Already in her life she had seen so much pain and destruction that all she needed was a reminder of just how small she was in the grand scheme of life and just how beautiful things can be. She stayed for as long as she could before she had to start the long run back to be in time for school.

_Always in a rush_

_Never stay on the phone long enough_

_Why am I so self-important?_

_Said I'd see you soon_

_But that was, oh, maybe a year ago_

_Didn't know time was of the essence_

_So many questions_

_But I'm talking to myself_

_I know that you can't hear me any more_

_Not anymore_

_So much to tell you_

_And most of all goodbye_

_But I know that you can't hear me any more_

_It's so loud inside my head_

_With words that I should have said_

_And as I drown in my regrets_

_I can't take back the words I never said_

_I never said_

_I can't take back the words I never said_

_Always talking shit_

_Took your advice and did the opposite_

_Just being young and stupid_

_I haven't been all that you could've hoped for_

_But if you'd held on a little longer_

_You'd have had more reasons to be proud_

_So many questions_

_But I'm talking to myself_

_I know that you can't hear me any more_

_Not anymore_

_So much to tell you_

_And most of all goodbye_

_But I know that you can't hear me any more_

_It's so loud inside my head_

_With words that I should have said_

_And as I drown in my regrets_

_I can't take back the words_

_The longer I stand here_

_The louder the silence_

_I know that you're gone but sometimes I swear that I hear_

_Your voice when the wind blows_

_So I talk to the shadows_

_Hoping you might be listening 'cos I want you to know_

_It's so loud inside my head_

_With words that I should have said_

_And as I drown in my regrets_

_I can't take back the words I never said_

_I never said_

_I can't take back the words I never said_

_Never said_

_I can't take back the words I never said_

Lorraine was distracted from her thoughts hearing a distant beeping, shaking her head slightly she realized that she had been sat in the same spot all night, thinking back she didn't even remember getting home. She had spent the entire night thinking about her life and had been unable to come up with any real answers. Heading upstairs to turn the alarm clock off she stopped as the memory of Nikki sleeping in her bed popped up in her mind. She remembered how she had just sat watching her sleep, watching as her brow furrowed and her hands clenched tight to the pillow, how she had placed a soft kiss on the teachers temple and watched as her whole body relaxed. She had meant to ask Nikki that morning what it was she dreamt about but had been so wrapped up in herself that she never did.

Lorraine switched off the alarm, dropped her dress to the floor and walked to the double shower, as the water washed over her she imagined Nikki's hand taking hold of hers and pushing it against the cold tiles, her hair being pushed aside so that kisses could be placed down her neck and onto her collarbone. The water running down both of their bodies as they pushed against each other.

Walking through the rooms to the kitchen Lorraine felt like she was being haunted, she realized that it wasn't until Nikki walked through her door that she had started living. She wished she could go back to the corridor, that as they stood there instead of the half sentences, umm's and waisted attempts to explain her feelings she had just told Nikki that she couldn't not be with her, but she knew why she hadn't been able to form the words as much as she had wanted to. She needed Nikki but the visit to her mum made it clear to her that she couldn't have her, the school was just a convenient excuse so she didn't have to explain.

Nikki didn't bother going to her office or to the staff room. She knew that in the PRU she could avoid everyone, she was in no mood to see anyone let alone Lorraine. She just needed to be alone and not have to fake the pleasantries she didn't really care for anyway. As the bell rang and her class entered she went into an automated mood, pulling a shield in front of her soul so that she didn't reveal how hurt she felt.

_Well you only need the light when it's burning low _

_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow _

_Only know you love her when you let her go _

_Only know you've been high when you're feeling low _

_Only hate the road when you're missing home _

_Only know you love her when you let her go _

_And you let her go _

_Staring at the bottom of your glass _

_Hoping one day you'll make a dream last _

_But dreams come slow and they go so fast _

_You see her when you close your eyes _

_Maybe one day you'll understand why _

_Everything you touch surely dies _

_But you only need the light when it's burning low _

_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow _

_Only know you love her when you let her go _

_Only know you've been high when you're feeling low _

_Only hate the road when you're missing home _

_Only know you love her when you let her go _

_Staring at the ceiling in the dark _

_Same old empty feeling in your heart _

_'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast _

_Well you see her when you fall asleep _

_But never to touch and never to keep _

_'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep _

_Well you only need the light when it's burning low _

_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow _

_Only know you love her when you let her go _

_Only know you've been high when you're feeling low _

_Only hate the road when you're missing home _

_Only know you love her when you let her go _

_And you let her go _

_Oh oh oh no _

_And you let her go _

_Oh oh oh no _

_Well you let her go _

_'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low _

_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow _

_Only know you love her when you let her go _

_Only know you've been high when you're feeling low _

_Only hate the road when you're missing home _

_Only know you love her when you let her go _

_'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low _

_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow _

_Only know you love her when you let her go _

_Only know you've been high when you're feeling low _

_Only hate the road when you're missing home _

_Only know you love her when you let her go _

_And you let her go_

Lorraine sat at her desk not taking in anything that was displayed on the spreadsheet before her. Michael cleared his throat breaking her out of the trance, turning to look at him she felt a surge of annoyance at him. If he hadn't mentioned the word relationship and if Sonia hadn't called Nikki her girlfriend nothing would have changed, she would be happy and would still have Nikki but the label of what was going on between them was too much for her to handle. She had slipped up, always promising herself to never let anyone in that the risk and possible burden to them was too much. By them defining what was going on between her and Nikki, it felt like a light being switched on and she could see clearly, somehow the teacher had managed to slip past all her walls of defense and worked her way into the heart that needed to remain like stone.

Michael cleared his throat again; "So do we need to talk about what's going on between you and Nikki?"

Lorraine swiveled in her chair to face him better, he could see the dramatic change in her face. The glow that she had had for the past few weeks was gone and had been replaced. He could see the hurt and the pain in her eyes. "There's nothing to talk about it, nothing is going on and I can assure you nothing affected any of the business dealings here."

Michaels face softened, not once since they started working together had he felt sorry for Lorraine, guiltily he realized that he had never viewed her as anything other than a bank account with attitude. Seeing the pain on the young woman's face he knew he should have acted better towards her; "I wasn't concerned with the business, I meant with you personally. I'll listen if you want to talk."

Lorraine snapped at him "Why so you can exploit my weakness? What's the plan act nice to try to get what you want?"

"No, I was just concerned for you. Nikki looks a mess too, so I thought something had happened and you might want to talk." Michael couldn't be angry with her, the way he had acted in the past it was fair for her to assume he would try something like that.

Lorraine started to pack up her things "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be here today. I'm going to go work from home."

Lorraine headed out to her car, torturing herself she walked the long way past the PRU. She stopped and looked into the classroom taking in the sight of Nikki. Just as the teacher looked up Lorraine walked off not wanting to fall into those deep eyes that had caught her off guard so many times before.


	2. Chapter 2

_Closing up shop and locking doors_

_Turning up lost in some unknown_

_"Don't wait... ," you say._

_You say "... they've gone home."_

_Sleep with the lights off when you're alone._

_Silence so mighty you go deaf; _

_Bombs are going off inside your chest._

_I know you wanted to be loved, _

_But you're bleeding left alone... so, so, so alone... _

_Singing where does time go from here?_

_It feels like the end_

_It feels like the end_

_Darkness swallows a dying star._

_Makes no difference what you're running from._

_The voices follow you_

_Voices follow you_

_Voices follow you into the dark... _

_Singing where does time go from here?_

_It feels like the end_

_It feels like the end._

_It feels like the end._

_The end._

_The end._

_It feels like the end._

The days and had turned into weeks yet it never got easier for either woman to be around each other, making sure that there was never a possibility for them to be caught alone. Sitting at the table with Tom and Michael, Nikki struggled to stop herself from looking up at Lorraine. She missed her, for months before they got together they had spent so much time together at work and in their private lives that it hurt not to see her. As Nikki looked down to where Tom was pointing at the timetable Lorraine looked over drinking in the sight of Nikki, her heart beating slightly faster and wanting to go over to the woman but she knew that was impossible. Turning her chair slightly Lorraine blocked Nikki from her sight of vision needing to regain her composure. As the meeting dragged on Lorraine couldn't concentrate on her own work so left them to there meeting.

Michael was called away to deal with some student's, Tom and Nikki were surrounded by sheets of paper and trying to figure out how best to adapt the timetable to fit the downsized teaching staff for next year. As Lorraine returned to the room and settled at her desk she once again couldn't take her eyes off Nikki.

"I need a coffee, can I get either of you two anything?" Tom was nearly half way out the room.

Nikki looked slightly panicked, if Tom went it would be just her and Lorraine something she would do anything to avoid. "I'll go fetch the coffee's Tom, I could do with a walk what do you want?"

Tom was holding open the door and Lorraine could see how desperate Nikki looked to be able to leave the room "It's fine I'll get them. Lorraine, you want anything?" Lorraine couldn't answer; what did she want? Nikki? A life? A future? Memories that she would never forget? She just shook her head and said she was fine.

As soon as the door clicked shut Lorraine watched as Nikki pretended to look as if she was busy; "So can you not even stand to be in the same room alone as me now then?"

Nikki put the papers she had shuffling down, "Me? Your the one that ended it for no real reason. So I'm sorry if don't want to be alone with you or talk to you. Maybe nothing hurts you but I am hurting and I can't just pretend nothing happened and that I'm fine." This was the first personal conversation they had shared since they broke up and Nikki could feel the cuts to her heart re-opening.

Lorraine wanted to say; 'Not hurting, I'm falling to pieces without you. I love you.' but she couldn't those were words that she couldn't afford to say so instead she just closed the gap between herself and the woman who was slowly crumbling before her. She let her hand rest on Nikki's strong arm, "I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you or make you feel like this, please believe how sorry I am." Lorraine placed a small kiss on Nikki's cheek and left the room.

She was unable to wipe the tears away fast enough before her sister saw them fall. "Babe, what's happened? what's wrong?" Sonya attempted to try and hug her sister but Lorraine was too quick.

Avoiding the arms of her sister Lorraine finished wiping her eyes "I just need to head home."

Sonya watched her sister leave, she had always admired how strong her sister was. It was humbling to see this fragile and upset side to her. Opening the door to the joint office Sonya could see Nikki leaning against the window staring out in to space. She could see the teachers tear stained face in her reflection. "Lorraine got all the brains in the family but I understand people better than she does." Nikki turned round slowly not even bothering to hide her tears. "She hides it well but this is hurting her just as much as it is you."

"I doubt that, she doesn't seem to care." Nikki moved across to the table and started to pack everything up, she'd had more than enough for today.

"She care's, honestly she does. She just thinks it's better if she don't. You get what I mean?" Nikki shook her head, she had to bite her tongue to stop a remark about speaking properly. "She's trying to protect you from her."

"I still don't understand? Protect me from what?" Nikki was even more confused.

"It ain't my place to say but maybe you should try again with her. Seem's stupid you both being so upset." Sonya helped to pack up everything and smiled at Nikki. "I think your good together, you and her."

_Tell me what good will it do_

_To paint it red or blue_

_When inside it's burnt and black_

_Will the light ever come back?_

_It's been twenty days or more_

_And I'm still lying on the floor_

_I would give up anything_

_Just to hear you sing_

_We've been killing off the days_

_Now there's nothing more to say_

_And the bullets of your words_

_No longer seem to hurt_

_We're like strangers in our own land_

_Falling out of view_

_Once it was a dream_

_Like a dress worn by a queen_

_Now it's so hard to believe_

_One broken thread can tear the seam_

_After everything we had_

_All the good and all bad_

_I'm beginning to believe_

_That I don't know who I am_

_We're like strangers in our own eyes_

_Falling out of view_

Nikki sat up at the bar alone, sipping at her drink. It burnt on it's way down as she took another mouthful of the whiskey. Swirling her cup and looking down it to the bottom of the glass hoping to find all the answers she was looking for she had to wonder what Sonya meant; '_she's protecting you.'_ What in the world could Lorraine think that she wasn't strong enough to face?

She felt a hand touch the small of her back and looked to see a man stood next her, Nikki could see him attempting to tense his muscles and imitate a model pose showing off his strong jaw line and perfect cheek bones. As he spoke with a heavy Scottish accent Nikki had to listen carefully to understand him; "Pretty little lass like you shouldn't be here drinking alone, what say I join you?"

Nikki knocked back the rest of drink "I was just leaving sorry." She headed out to her car and left him stood alone at the bar. There was no denying he was attractive but the way his hand felt touching her back it was so heavy and there was nothing comforting about it. Yet when Lorraine touched her there electricity would surge across her body and she would feel a million different things all at once and she would always feel like she never wanted that one touch to end. Maybe she had been too harsh with her words, she was wrong, she was willing to put her heart on the line.

_So far away from where you are _

_These miles have torn us worlds apart _

_And I miss you, yeah I miss you _

_So far away from where you are _

_I'm standing underneath the stars _

_And I wish you were here _

_I miss the years that were erased _

_I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face _

_I miss all the little things _

_I never thought that they'd mean everything to me _

_Yeah I miss you _

_And I wish you were here _

_I feel the beating of your heart _

_I see the shadows of your face _

_Just know that wherever you are _

_Yeah I miss you _

_And I wish you were here _

_I miss the years that were erased _

_I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face _

_I miss all the little things _

_I never thought that they'd mean everything to me _

_Yeah I miss you _

_And I wish you were here _

_So far away from where you are _

_These miles have torn us worlds apart _

_And I miss you, yeah I miss you _

_And I wish you were here_

Lorraine was walking past the computer lab at first she didn't realize what she was seeing, then it clicked. Doubling back she stood and watched as one of the students handed another a packet of what looked like pills; "Boys what's going on here?" She walked into the room cornering the pair. The boys tried to pass it off as nothing. "Empty your pockets, Now please." One of the boys reluctantly pulled out a bag of pills, the other panicked.

Moving faster than Lorraine could react to he pushed passed her and ran out of the room. In her customary six inch heels Lorraine twisted and went falling to the ground. She could see the other boy battling with what he knew was the right thing to do or the chance to use the opportunity to make himself and the pills disappear. Stopping he offered his hand to Lorraine and pulled her up saying he was sorry. "Right come on you, Headmaster's office now!" Her foot was swelling already, taking off her remaining heel and picking the broken one up off the ground she limped with the help of the student back to her office ready to inform Michael of what had happened.

Nikki sat in the staff room going over her classes work from the previous lesson when Christine sat besides her. "Did you hear about what happened earlier." Nikki looked at her blankly, so Christine offered a prompt "With Lorraine and two students?"

"No, I haven't heard." Nikki noted how pleased Christine looked to be able to share some gossip.

"Oh, I thought you and our gracious benefactor were joined at the hip." The sarcasm was unmissable from Christine's voice. Slightly annoyed Nikki simply asked what had happened, "Lorraine thought she would over-step her position, rather than reporting what she had seen to Michael she decided to step in and not handling it properly she got knocked out of those high heels of her's." The smugness in Christine's voice grated against Nikki.

Nikki could feel her gut twist, she would have been told if Lorraine had been hurt badly because of being Deputy Head but knowing she had been hurt no matter how bad made her feel uncomfortable. "Do you know where she is now?" Nikki wasn't interested in indulging in Christine's gossip she just wanted to get to Lorraine she had to check for herself that she was okay. Christine looked at her oddly not knowing why she had asked that, and mumbled that she was probably still in Michael's office.

_So you're afraid, what about me?_

_Dare to claim that you can't breathe_

_Hold my hand or I'll take yours_

_Don't let go cause how I feel_

_Is what you've made me_

_Though I'm hanging on a sign, I'm insecure_

_You got me walking on a line, still I need you more_

_And all the things I feel I hold 'em back from you_

_And all the dreams I dream I'm sure they'll hold no truth_

_I'm insecure_

_So you're afraid, what about me?_

_Stole my heart for all to see_

_Here I am, take me I'm yours_

_Dry my tears cause I can see_

_Just what I've made me_

_Though I'm hanging on a sign, I'm insecure_

_You got me walking on a line, still I need you more_

_And all the things I feel I hold 'em back from you_

_And all the dreams I dream I'm sure they'll hold no truth_

_I'm insecure_

_I realize that it's me being so cold_

_Trapped in a box where my heart's been for so long_

_I realize that it's me being insecure_

_I realize that it's me being so cold_

_Trapped in a box where my heart's been for so long_

_I realize that it's me being insecure_

_Feel I'm waiting on a sign, I'm insecure_

_Though I'm hanging on a sign, I'm insecure_

_You got me walking on a line, still I need you more_

_And all the things I feel I hold 'em back from you_

_And all the dreams I dream I'm sure they'll hold no truth_

_I'm insecure_

Lorraine was sat at her desk with her foot propped up and an ice pack wrapped around it. She had refused to go home knowing it was only a sprain and insisting she had work to get on with. Michael had left to escort the two boys with the police officers until there parents met them at the station. Hearing the click of the door Lorraine looked up to see Nikki walking towards her. "Michaels not here."

Nikki kept walking "I know." She closed the gap between her and Lorraine, leaned over the small blonde woman and kissed her tenderly holding her had to Lorraine's cheek. As the blonde responded to her kiss Nikki deepened it, then sucking slightly on Lorraine's bottom lip she pulled away but left her hand where it was.

_Walking out into the dark _

_Cutting out a different path _

_Lead by your beating heart_

_All the people of the town _

_Cast their eyes right to the ground _

_In matters of the heart_

_The night was all you had _

_You ran into the night from all you had _

_Found yourself a path upon the ground _

_You ran into the night; you can't be found_

_But_

_This is your heart_

_Can you feel it? Can you feel it? _

_Pumps through your veins_

_Can you feel it? Can you feel it?_

_Summer evening breezes blew _

_Drawing voices deep from you _

_Lead by your beating heart_

_What a year and what a night _

_What terrifying final sights _

_Put out your beating heart_

_The night was all you had _

_You ran into the night from all you had _

_Found yourself a path upon the ground _

_You ran into the night; you can't be found_

_But_

_This is your heart_

_Can you feel it? Can you feel it? _

_Pumps through your veins_

_Can you feel it? Can you feel it? _

_If you had your gun would you shoot it at the sky, why? _

_To see where it would fall, will you come down at all?_

_If you had your gun would you shoot it at the sky, why? _

_To see where your bullet would fall, will you come down at all?_

_This is your heart_

_Can you feel it? Can you feel it? _

_Pumps through your veins_

_Can you feel it? Can you feel it? _

_This is your racing heart_

_Can you feel it? Can you feel it? _

_Pumps through your veins_

_Can you feel it? Can you feel it?_

Lorraine kissed the palm of Nikki's hand. Her head spinning from the kiss, caught completely off guard. As Nikki crouched down in front of her, never moving her hand from her cheek and with her other hand she intwined their fingers. Lorraine placed another kiss on Nikki's palm and then leaned into the soft lips she had missed so much but as they connected she pulled away "We can't do this."

Nikki ignored the words she didn't want to hear, she reconnected there lips and felt Lorraine respond to the kiss, moving her hand from Lorraine's cheek and into the long blonde hair she felt the same happen to her as the kisses intensified. Pulling away for breathe Nikki whispered "We can" as Lorraine lifted her leg off the stool, Nikki stood up pulling Lorraine with her and rested against the desk.

Lorraine let her hands travel over Nikki's body and unable to remain strong she pulled Nikki close into her body and let their lips crash together with an urgency that needed to make up for weeks worth of lost kisses. Breathless Lorraine rested her head on the taller woman's shoulder and caressed Nikki's cheek with her thumb. Nikki reciprocated with a small kiss on Lorraine's temple. Neither woman knew what to stay, afraid that if they spoke they would ruin what had just happened. As the bell signaled the end of lunch Nikki kissed Lorraine softly and said she should go.


	3. Chapter 3

Nikki watched the clock tick slowly by counting the minutes until the end of the lesson, she wanted to be in the office with Lorraine. Scared the that the young businesswoman would end things again before they really had a chance to start, she had a free period next and wanted to spend it persuading Lorraine to let her in. Nikki needed to talk to her, looking out her window she could see the blonde limping across the car park to her Ferrari. "Right guys, finish up there. Pack away and head to your next class." Nikki left them under the supervision of the LSA and started running down to the car par.

Lorraine was regretting having parked in the furthest space in the car park. Each foot step hurting and taking ten time longer than usual. Nikki sprinted down the stairs and out the fire exit, quickly catching up on with the limping Lorraine before she had a chance to get in her car. "Are you that desperate to run away from me?" Nikki was slightly out of breath as she stood hands on hip waiting for an answer.

"No, Yes" Lorraine looked down slightly embarrassed.

"Why are you certain that we can't do this?" Nikki was ready to fight for what she wanted, she wasn't willing to give up.

"I know things that you don't and because of that we can't do this. I don't want to hurt you Nikki." Lorraine unlocked her car and started to work out the logistics of getting in her car without hurting her foot anymore than she had to.

Nikki felt her annoyance turn in to pity as she watched Lorraine struggle, Sighing "Regardless of whatever you know you can't drive with your foot like that. I'll take you home."

Lorraine went to argue but as she put pressure on her foot and the pain caused her to grimace all she said was "Thank you." Nikki helped her round to the passenger side then disappeared to fetch her things.

As they got out the car back at Lorraine's it finally twigged "I just realized you haven't got a way to get home or back to your car. I guess I won't be driving over the weekend take the Ferrari if you want or I can call you a taxi."

Nikki smiled as she followed Lorraine into the house "I was planning to look after you but I'll get a taxi if you want me to." Seeing the look on Lorraine's face she added "I can sleep on the sofa."

Perching on a stool Lorraine looked at Nikki, she hated hurting her and saying no all the time. "If you stayed, I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing you were down here and not in bed with me, so it's probably not a good idea."

"If you want me then have me." Nikki covered Lorraine's hand with her own.

"It's not that easy Nikki." Squeezing the hand tighter Lorraine then let it slip free.

"Tell me, It can't be as bad as this. Nothing should stop you being with who you want." Nikki rested her head against Lorraine's.

Lorraine picked up the car keys "come on there's something you need to see." Refusing to let Nikki drive this time Lorraine sped her car across the rolling country roads feeling the pain of every gear change. Eventually she pulled in through a set of iron gates, not missing the fact that Nikki was reading the welcome sign as they drove past.

Nikki stayed close to Lorraine's side following her into what could only be described as a castle, stopping besides a silver haired woman knitting. Nikki watched as Lorraine greeted the woman and sat across from her then gestured for Nikki to sit besides her. The sofa wasn't small but as Nikki sat down Lorraine moved herself closer to the teacher trying to increase the amount of contact they had between them, as though she needed the security and reassurance. Sitting in this room Nikki met a whole new side to Lorraine, slowly she moved her arm round behind Lorraine and let her hand rest just above the blonde's hip, pulling her closer in an attempt to comfort her.

"Hello mum how are you getting on today?" Lorraine hoped her mother would know it was her.

"Ah, Darling I was just thinking about when we would go to Dorset for the summers. How you would run in and out the sea searching for shells. Do you remember?"

Lorraine smiled and patted her mother knee "I remember mum, that was a long time ago. Mum this is Nikki, we work together and are good friends." Nikki added that it was a pleasure to meet her feeling slightly awkward for being present during their mother daughter time.

Talking for a few minutes more the exchanges between the three flowed easily and were the same as any daughter talking to her mother. They were then interrupted by a nurse bringing tea and coffee, in the split time it took for drinks to be poured everything changed. Lorraine's mother sipped her coffee then looked across at the two women.

"Mum are you all right?" Lorraine knew what was coming next.

"Mum? I think you have the wrong person. Who are you?" Nikki looked at Lorraine watching as the words hit her like a slap across the face.

"It's me Lorraine, your daughter."

"I haven't got any children. What do you want here? Why are you saying that?" Lorraine's mother started to become increasingly agitated. Apologizing Lorraine stood up and forget about her sprained ankle ran to the car. Nikki stopped one of the nurses and asked them to go and help Lorraine's mother and then ran after Lorraine.

Nikki called out stop but Lorraine kept half limping half running to the car, Nikki caught up with her as she went to open the car door. "Just stop." Nikki slid her hand down Lorraine's arm and enclosed the blondes hand in hers making her let go of the door handle. "Just stop." Lorraine grasped at Nikki pulling her arms around the teacher holding her tight, clasping to keep hold of her. Nikki encased the smaller woman in her arms and stroked the soft blonde wavy hair, she didn't say anything wanting to let Lorraine stop crying.

Lorraine pushed away from Nikki placing a small kiss on the teachers lips "Thank you."

"You never have to thank me for holding you." Nikki used her thumbs to wipe away the smudged mascara. "If that's why you think we can't be together it doesn't put me off you."

Lorraine moved out of reach "It's not my mother." Nikki looked into her eyes as if searching for the truth, "Familial Alzheimer's disease. My grandmother, my mother and uncle all were diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's by the time they were in there late forties. It's an inherited death sentence."

It all clicked into place for Nikki, she understood. Reaching out she held both of Lorraine's wrists and held her firmly in place, crouching slightly so their eyes met. "It's not certain that you will get it"

Lorraine wanted to look anywhere but into Nikki's eye's "I had the test, its not one hundred percent but I have three of the four genetic markers. It's around seventy percent chance that I'll have it. That's why I can't let you love me."

"It's too late, I already love you." Nikki leaned in and kissed Lorraine attempting to convey every inch of emotion. She felt Lorraine's arms wrap tight around her and the kiss deepen.


	4. Chapter 4

Nikki placed the cup of steaming hot coffee in front of Lorraine, then sat across the table from her. It had been some time since they had left the care home car park and Lorraine hadn't said a single word. Sipping her drink Nikki attempted to break the silence but didn't really know what to say.

Holding the coffee cup tight Lorraine closed her eyes, picturing her mum and all the times she had been hurt by this illness. Sighing she finally started speaking; "I'm not saying that we would last forever." Opening her eyes Lorraine looked at Nikki, falling deep into her eyes.

"We won't know unless we try" She reached across and held the smaller hand in her own. Lorraine held the hand tight, rubbing small circles with her thumb finding the action relaxing. "Nikki, you can't understand what it's like to have someone you love fade away and not even recognize you. It hurt's more than I can ever explain and I don't want anyone to be hurt like that by me, specially someone as beautiful as you." Lorraine could feel her eyes start to water, she lifted Nikki's hand and kissed the back of it.

Lorraine could see Nikki was about to speak but she needed to finish what she was saying; "Please let me finish before you say anything. Nikki, I want to be with you I really do. I just can't put you through that and if we didn't last then I don't want to be stuck in memories wanting you and you not being there." The tears were falling down Lorraine's face.

Nikki let go of Lorraine's hand and moved around the side of table, brushing the blonde hair aside she placed some kisses upon the tear stains. Taking hold of Lorraine's hands she pulled her up and slipped her arms around the petite waist. "What might happen in the future shouldn't stop you from living now." Nikki leaned her head against the blonde's. "Us lasting? We can't know if that will happen. Just the same as you getting Alzheimer's. What I do know is that you can't shut everything out because of what might be. If you do get it, I refuse to let the only memories you have of your adult life be of work and your money."

Nikki kissed Lorraine and pulled her in close. "I'm signing up for this, you have told me everything and I know what could happen. It's still the same answer from me. I love you and want to be with you. We can figure everything else out as and when it happens. Right now the only thing that matters is how you feel about me?"

Lorraine let her hands snake over Nikki's body and into her hair. She rested her head on Nikki's shoulder and kissed the teachers lightly perfumed neck. "I love you."

Nikki bent her head slightly and kissed Lorraine's cheek. "Then that's all that matters." Nikki pulled the small woman in her arms closer. Then taking hold of Lorraine's hand she led her upstairs. Retracing the familiar steps the couple had taken weeks before and enjoyed so much. Nikki remembered that Lorraine had hurt her ankle; stopping she smiled at the blonde, her hands travelled down Lorraine's body and then with hardly any effort she lifted her up.

Lorraine wrapped her legs tight around the teachers waist and let Nikki walk her into the bedroom. Lorraine started kissing Nikki realizing just how close she had come to making a massive mistake. Her kisses became fast and frenzied, Nikki was struggling to keep hold of Lorraine "I'm going to drop you if you don't stop."

Lorraine pulled back holding Nikki's face in her hands; "Walk faster then." She started kissing her slower but the passion between the two women intensified. Nikki sat down on the bed with Lorraine straddling her. The urgency between them became clear as they started pulling at each others clothing, hands traveling over the newly exposed skin. As Nikki started kissing down Lorraine's chest and over her breasts the blonde pulled away, ran her thumb over Nikki's cheek "I love you."Those three words reignited the fury between the two woman, Nikki pulled Lorraine back further on the bed and removed the last few items of clothing.

Lorraine sat propped up against the pillows watching Nikki sleep, the feeling of deja-vu washed over her. She watched as Nikki reached out, pain etched on her face. The teacher clasped the pillow her knuckles turning white. Lorraine stroked the soft brown hair, slid down the bed and placed her arm over the teacher. With her other hand she pushed the pillow out of Nikki's hand and replaced it with her own. Lorraine kissed Nikki's cheek "It's just a bad dream." With another kiss she watched as Nikki relaxed and went back to a peaceful sleep. Lorraine let her hands slip under the bed sheets and softly caressed Nikki's hot skin as much as she wanted to sleep she couldn't take her eyes of Nikki wanting to make sure she didn't suffer anymore in her sleep. Lorraine made a mental note to ask Nikki when she woke up what the dreams are about. She was certain that she would ask this time.

**And they lived happily ever after? should I finish this story or carry on?**


	5. Chapter 5

Nikki rolled over in bed to find the space besides her empty, as she ran her hands over the sheets she could feel the warmth still radiating from them. Slipping the silk dressing gown over her shoulders Nikki made her way out of the room and down the stairs, she could hear Lorraine talking.

Hesitantly making her way into the kitchen making sure that it was just a phone call and that nobody would see her half naked she entered the kitchen. She could see Lorraine with the phone resting between her shoulder and ear as she attempted to scrape the French toast off the bottom of the pan. Coughing quietly to announce her presence Nikki moved into rescue their breakfast, it surprised her when Lorraine immediately ended the call, saying she was unavailable until Monday. Nikki was surprised but pleased to be put before work.

Lorraine dropped the phone on the counter and wrapped her arms around Nikki's waist "Morning." She kissed her deeply and let her hands pull away the cord to let the gown fall open, Lorraine let her hands move the silk aside and travel over the cool smooth skin. Nikki let out a moan of pleasure, her heart beating faster, the way it always did when Lorraine was close to her. The pair let their lips connect and a kissing frenzy ensued. Nikki pushed Lorraine against the counter never letting the kissing stop, tracing her hands over the toned stomach before her she pulled up the vest top to expose Lorraine's breasts. As soon as the skin was free Nikki started to kiss her way down, sucking and biting slightly. She could feel Lorraine's heart beating faster and hear the moans of pleasure as she started to remove the hot pants and pushed apart Lorraine's legs. She moved her hands up and down the inside's of Lorraine's thighs as she continued to kiss everywhere except where Lorraine needed it most.

Lorraine's breathing was ragged and she started to beg for Nikki to take her. Her hands were tangled in the brown hair trying to pull the teacher closer to her. She tried to guide the teacher to exactly where she needed it most but Nikki wasn't ready yet and continued to tease Lorraine. "Nik please I can't take anymore." Nikki finally let Lorraine guide her to the spot she needed her at most and almost instantly felt the blonde shudder as an explosion erupted throughout the slender body. Nikki remained on her knee's and opened her arms for Lorraine to slide down into, she held the young woman close and continued to kiss her more slowly than before.

Lorraine couldn't believe how right it felt to be touched and kissed by Nikki and how perfectly they fitted together. She felt complete laying in Nikki's arms. Turning slightly she captured Nikki's lips and playfully pushed the teacher back against the tiled flooring. Lorraine let her body lay on top of Nikki and pushed her leg between the teachers, as the brunette moaned she pushed her leg against the teacher again. She deepened the kiss between them, Lorraine pulled away slightly and lifted Nikki's arms up above her head and placed her hand over them keeping them in place. Then with her other hand she dragged her nails down the muscular body and began to tease Nikki before making the older woman cry out her name and oh god, oh god.

Lorraine left Nikki laying on the floor and headed to the fridge, returning to the teacher who was still recovering she pulled her up and guided her over to the extremely large sofa. Nikki pulled the robe around her and dropped down into the comfy cushions. Lorraine sat down and let her legs hang over Nikki's, resting her head onto the teachers shoulder. Nikki pulled Lorraine's legs closer to her and let her hands rest on the smooth knees. Lorraine opened the tubs she had taken from the fridge, taking out a strawberry she brushed it over Nikki's lips before letting the teacher take a bite.

As Nikki fed Lorraine the last piece of fruit and followed it with a kiss she smiled; "I could stay like this forever." Leaning in for another kiss she pushed the empty containers to the floor and pushed Lorraine's naked body down into the sofa. Nikki looked into Lorraine's eyes and felt mesmerized "God, why are you so beautiful?" Lorraine didn't answer, she simply pushed herself up on her elbows and kissed Nikki.

The weekend blurred between making love and relaxing in each others arms. As the alarm went off signaling the arrival of Monday morning and a need to get back to school the pair slipped back into the similar routine of before they broke up with the exception that every time they were close enough they needed to reach out and touch each other or kiss each other quickly. As they pulled up into the car park next to Nikki's car which had been left there all weekend Lorraine squeezed Nikki's hand a little tighter before letting it go. Lorraine stopped before entering her office and watched Nikki walk off, she couldn't help but smile as the teacher couldn't resist one last look back. As their eye's met both women at the same time mouthed the words "I love you."

Nikki closed the door to her office and let out a sigh. Monday mornings were always dreaded but for some reason this one had been worse than all the others. Just as she was about to head over to her desk she heard the door push open, turning round expecting another problem she would have to deal with the feeling butterflies instantly appeared in her stomach as Lorraine pushed the door closed and flung her arms round Nikki's neck. "Is it wrong that missed you all morning?"

Nikki leant in and kissed the woman who had once appeared so tough, cold and unemotional understanding that it had all been for protection. A fake wall that had been knocked away by the promise of unconditional love. "No, All morning I just wanted to be back kissing you." The pair smiled at each other and rested their foreheads against each other. "It feel's like my whole worlds changed in less than 72 hours."

Lorraine pulled away and looked a little worried "Changed in a good way, right?"

Nikki didn't know if she could ever get used to the sight of Lorraine looking so vulnerable; "The best way, when I see you I get butterflies and when I kiss you it feels like home." Nikki pulled Lorraine in close to her chest and stroked the blondes hair. "It's been the best weekend of my life and I'm not letting you go."

Lorraine looked up, "I don't want you to. Ever."


End file.
